Today I woke up and felt plagued by pain, sadness, humility, disappointment, confusion, anger and grief. I stood in the mirror in anger looking at the aftermath. I rode to work in tears. Not because anything specific just happened but because of what has just happened. Some days are easier than others but the wounds don’t heal quick enough and the scars don’t fade overnight. I did my morning devotion, prayed, listened to KSBJ and I just felt like an emotionally drained wreck.
When I look at myself, what has happened is a constant reminder of loss, suffering, humility, anger and tragedy. As I continue to heal physically and emotionally I’m left with visible scars that open a floodgate of emotion every time I look at them. I’m forever changed physically, mentally and spiritually. I cant help but look in disgust at these scars and feel humiliated for a quick moment. I mean I have many scars from all types of things in my life, so why does this scar bother me so bad? Ugh, I have a c-section scar which most women have strictly from giving birth. Well, where is my baby? I have the scar and no reward from it. How can this scar be beautiful? Thank God for my husband who stands by me and listens to my every tear.
The physical scars I’m left with keep dragging me into a place of brokenness, heartache and weakness. They make me feel ugly, not worthy, unimportant and worthless at times. These wounds will heal and though the scars may fade they will never disappear. The physical scars along with the internal scars on my heart will carry with me through my lifetime.
Then, I think of Jesus on the cross. The scars on his body were undeserving and would forever be in his flesh. Although he was in pain and dying, he gave his life for us, for our salvation. He never was selfish and said “Why Me?”, because he knew why he was chosen.
“Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” – Isaiah 53:4-5
Then I begin to reflect on all God has done in my life, in our lives and I remember that these wounds and scars prove I’m alive, I didn’t die, I have another chance at life to live, grow, minister, love, mentor, experience and chart new paths to my God purposed destiny. I couldn’t stay in the pits for ling. Although I am more solemn today I am still resting in the Lord and at his feet patiently moving through the process of grieving, healing and growing.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4
Sitting here now I realize why God chose to give me devotion this morning on the Holy Spirit. Today when I am suffering and hurting the Holy Spirit is with me. I am still walking as God would want me to kindly, humbly, unselfishly despite the way I may feel inside. The Holy Spirit continues to move through me to help me speak kinds words, smile at others, laugh at random jokes, be a loving wife, caring daughter and thoughtful friend.
There is beauty through the ashes, every scar is a story and we are all beautifully made in the eyes of the Lord. No wound, scar, blemish or mark can diminish the way God sees us. But there is a big difference between a wound and a scar, a scar says I’ve been healed and this is my story. I pray that God continues to use my scars and my story to bring Glory to his name and be a blessing to others. The reason our scars can be beautiful is because God gives us opportunities to invest in other people because of the struggles we’ve gone through ourselves. Once we are healed, the way we allow God to use our scars is by sharing them with others.
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. – Isaiah 61:3
“When glory meets my suffering, I’m alive, even though a part of me has died. You take my heart and breathe it back to life.”
Song of the day: The Hurt & The Healer – MercyMe