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Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. – Romans 12:2

The holidays are upon us and there is only 30 days left until 2016 begins!!! 30 days!!! AHHH! Time flies and this life isn’t promised to us! In struggles / trials / tribulations / tests / conflicts, I retreat, I take inward to deal with what I am facing so that as few people as possible are affected by my circumstance. That’s tough, tough on me, tough on those around me and tough on God. I am so blessed, blessed beyond anything I deserve and I fall short every single day of God’s glory and mercy. But He never gives up on me, even when I feel like giving up on myself.

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This life is tough, these tests are trying and my spirit becomes weary. My worldly mind questions who I am, whose I am, my worth, my value and my purpose. In the valleys I lose sight sometimes of the promises I know God has for me. I question if I am even worthy enough??

What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. – Luke 12:6-7

And even though I “know” better, my mind wanders to places that make me feel worthless, shamed, and forgotten. I’ve struggled to pray lately, to read my devotion and stay focused, to even find words to communicate how my soul feels. I’m forever grateful for the people God has strategically and purposely placed in my life that hold me up and speak life into me during times of struggle. This time of year reminds me of the loss, the torture, the tragedy and the infertility. The last 3 holiday seasons were clouded with horrific moments and tragedy. Topped with current life struggles and I am just overwhelmed with frustration, anger and disappointment. I have to fight hard to overcome those thoughts with positivity and life. To just keep pushing forward.

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Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light. – Matthew 11:29-30

I am hanging on God’s every word, I praise him humbly and brokenhearted. I have nothing to offer him and I approach his feet broken and scarred. I want more than anything to keep Him first, in everything. This song has been giving me life and on repeat the last couple of weeks (thank God for Spotify!) → Lauren Daigle – First.  In my confusion, in my cries, during the times I feel lost, it’s becoming habit to just fall on God and his word. Even if it’s just 1 verse, 1 song, whatever it is I use that as my rope to hang on. Even when I can’t pray and don’t know what to say, I just ask Him to hear my heart.

There are so many things around me that I have to be thankful for. I don’t take a single thing for granted in this life and I know at any moment things can change. The holidays bring reverence and thankfulness to my heart despite my circumstances. I would have to be blind not to see His miraculous works all around me.

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For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. – Romans 3:23

So, I am working everyday on self-worth, self-love, self-promotion, evolution and growth. Peeling back the layers, changing histories, breaking the chains and living the life God destined for me. My circumstances don’t determine my destiny and although I may be in this valley now, I know there is better yet to come. God built me as a survivor, a overcomer and I will not give up even when I feel like I’ve given my all. Scaling back self-criticism and learning to love myself because God loves me. Excited about the holiday festivities, beautiful decorations, cold weather, time with family, celebrating the birth of Jesus, great food and good reflection! Soaking in every moment of joy, the smiles, the laughter and the imperfections.

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Songs I’m praising him through:
Chris Tomlin – Good Father
Jeremy Camp – Same Power

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