God uses the broken.

So, it was my first Wednesday service back since my surgery and it felt amazing. I’m so broken. We’re so broken. God spoke to me through my Pastor’s sermon tonight and once again I am thankful. Thankful for my shepherd and thankful God never leaves me even at my worst.

I’m beyond broken.  Some days I wonder why God even bothers with me anymore. Some days I just smile but I’m sobbing inside, numb from the excruciating pain my heart feels.

Then… days like today happen.  Small victories of God’s faith and love remind me that no matter how broken I am God keeps finding a way to use me. I spent time with my daddy today (yes, I’m a daddy’s girl), said “see ya later” to 2 amazing young college ladies going back to school, who I’ve connected with at my church over the summer and completely love them to pieces, spent time with my church team and spent time with the boys we mentor. I baked “fat free” cupcakes today and celebrated the birthday of one of my team members. Reflecting over the day and the interactions I realize I have been fruitful in my calling to reach God’s people and love God’s people. Smiling, feeling peace and joy. How blessed I am even in the midst of our storms.

Crazy.  I mean I sometimes I look at myself and say “I’m spent,  I’m done, I have nothing else to give.” How can I help someone else or be positive for someone else when I’m so broken inside? But that’s not true,  my calling never grows weary. My heart always keeps going. God uses me in the church, he uses me in my serving, he uses me to mentor to young kids, he uses me to share our story, he uses me to bring God to the workplace, he uses me to strive to be a proverbs 31 wife and he uses me to be a true friend and confidant. Despite my situations its never about me. It’s always about him. It literally brings me joy to be these things, be used in these ways and to know that when your called your committed. Thank God for the selfless heart he has given me that cares for his people despite my brokenness. 

Accept what God is doing,  Trust what God will do.

Negative thoughts consume my mind circling through my head that children are the furthest thing from reality for us.  Hearing the gentle cry of a sweet baby at 4 am seems like a far away dream.  On any given day a multitude of things can bring me to sobbing.  A car seat commercial,  a mother and infant at Starbucks or a pampers commercial. How do I accept this? I am truly working on myself every day, acceptance of things out of my control is something I seek improvement on constantly. I know it’s all part of the emotional healing process.

What is it that God wants to do in me? In us?

I pray that God uses all our broken pieces to build a masterpiece that is far beyond our wildest dreams. I pray that God uses us to impact others, bring Jesus to people who may think he doesn’t exist and to bring nations of people to know the love of the Lord.

Doubt breeds more doubt, we need more faith.

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