For the last 7 years I have blamed myself and everything I could for our infertility problem. I mean, it had to be something I or we did right? God must be punishing us for our sins! If a child is a gift from God and we have not been able to have children than God must not want to reward us right? Then I look at the people, who in my human eyes, are unworthy of having children but have been gifted with children and I just wonder, why?! I mean just turn on the news and look at the horrifying things that are happening to children. God does wonders that cannot be understood, he does so many miracle they cannot be counted.
Hubby has previously read the book of Job and has been speaking to me on how he feels in his heart our story may have parallels to the story of Job. So, this week I am studying and reading the book of Job. See, Job had it all, beautiful wife,beautiful kids, money, land, animals and he did not sin and followed God’s word. Satan came to God and told him that Job was only obedient to God because he had everything and was blessed. God allowed Satan to do anything, anything in the world to Job except kill him. Satan killed his children, his wife, took his animals, his riches, put boils, scabs and worms on his body all to make Job curse God. Job’s friends all blamed him and told him he was a sinner and this was God’s punishment. Job initially cursed God and asked God to kill him, finally repenting to God for cursing him, God restored everything Job had and more. Job was blessed with a new family, riches, animals and a home.
God hurts, but he also bandages; he injures, but his hands also heal. – Job 5:18
I can’t help but wonder if God is paying me my consequences for past mistakes and sins I have done. Is he keeping me from the joys of my heart as punishment for the things I’ve done? My whole life hasn’t been perfect, I have sinned, I have done wrong. Will I not be able to have children due to my failures?
God’s love doesn’t rise/fall with our performance, he loves us for whose we are, we are his.
Life comes in fragments and all we see is a fragment, who can say what will happen next?
As much as I want to keep believing in my head that God is punishing me with being infertile, my heart keeps telling me he has a purpose for this infertility journey. Infertility does not define WHO I am, I AM the daughter of Christ and he wants what’ s best for me. I can’t see his plan and more often than not I am blinded with defeating numbers, tests, statistics, doctor’s reports and lab work but I keep hanging on to the faith I have, the faith that God has a better plan than I can ever imagine.
It’s not my punishment, its my testimony. Even suffering can be used to glorify God.
My favorite jam that keeps me going Praise You In This Storm