“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3
My God, I know I am not worthy. Yesterday one of our Senior Pastors delivered a sermon so convicting I was left in tears, but not just regular tears, tears that are cleansing my soul, helping me to let go, healing my brokenness and drawing me closer to God. He spoke on pain, debilitating, life changing pain. He spoke from a place of great pain, pain so unspeakable he was drawn to tears during the sermon. It was exactly what I needed to hear. All the more impacting as he was the first Pastor who initially attached us to Grace. I always leave different than I went in when I hear him preach.
I have spent my whole life running from pain. Once I experience the pain I am constantly trying to fix the pain then never feel it again. Someone hurt me, I leave and don’t go around them. I have had almost 8 years of failed attempts, losses and struggles without being able to bear children, I want to give up and not try again. We are all guilty of that, right?! I’ve experienced more pain in my lifetime then I could have ever imagined. Pain so unbelievable that I had wished God would just call me home. Filled with “why?” “what if” “what did I do wrong” and every other thought that I could muster up. All the while never knowing I wasn’t fully living. I was dragging this pain around and letting it take up more space than deserved in my life. This pain was temporarily defining me. Every single ounce of pain has changed me, molded me, impacted me and left me absolutely different than before. But not in a bad way, I am better than my past and I am more than my before.
This last pregnancy loss changed me. There is no denying that. I haven’t pin pointed the exactness of why this time was different but it is. Having a C-section at 32 ½ years old with no child in the aftermath in a traveling city was tragic for me. Really tragic and left me with thoughts of it all just being over with. I cursed the pain, I curse this disgusting scar on my stomach, I cursed God, and I cursed everything. But pain can do two things, 1. Draw you closer to God 2. Push you further away from God. I was certain this pain was going to push me further away from God. Then I realized, I AM ALIVE. This type of pregnancy and surgery can be fatal. I can go home to spend another day with my husband, I can see my daddy again, I can enjoy my family. I didn’t die from this surgery, they caught it in time, the surgery saved my life and the pain and scars PROVE I am alive and God is NOT done with me yet.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
So I’m learning to stop cursing the pain and scars that prove I’m alive. There have been several occasions in my life I should have died, but I still stand here today. My pain has made me seek God more, it’s realigned my priorities, it’s shifted everything in my life. This pain and these scars have caused me to focus with intensity on what’s really important. What I have/am going through is equipping me with the experience to help others, to have empathy, to show God’s love. Maybe, just maybe my pain isn’t all just about me. Maybe my pain is here to help others, to witness to others and to draw others closer to God.
Then I sat and I reflected after this sermon. In tears I looked back and said, “maybe the pains in my marriage weren’t for me, maybe they were to groom my husband to be the Priest of our household and to draw him closer to God.” “If not for this infertility journey…..would I be seeking God this feverishly if it were not for the things infertility has drug me through?!” Because of this journey I have a relationship with God, I am rooted in the word, I have Christian council around me, I serve at the foot of Jesus and I am living a better life. I have found purpose in the deepest pain of my life.
When the enemy can’t make you bad he will make you busy trying to find an answer to why. I thought I had forgiven and let go of things that pain has kept shackled to my life. I will never have the answer as to “why” somethings have happened to me and quite frankly even if I did have the answer it probably wouldn’t be good enough. The pain is part of the fabric of who I am. Pain is my friend but it cannot take up too much space. It will not define my life. So instead of saying “why” I will challenge myself to say “because.” Instead of “Why have I struggled with infertility?” I will say “Because I have struggled with infertility I know God, I am closer to my husband, I am a testimony to others and I live by faith.” “Why did we have relationship struggles?” “Because we had relationship struggles we are closer to each other and God and have learned to keep God at the center of our marriage.”
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” – Romans 8:18
Not an easy task to challenge yourself to redirect your thoughts from years of habit. But seeking a Christ filled life pushes you to places, outside of your comfort zone you would have never thought of. So even in my pain with my scars and all I will keep going forward, slow but steady wins the race. Some of God’s greatest leaders limped through their whole lives. There are some pains we have in your lives that will never be reconciled. When the enemy can’t make you bad he will make you busy trying to find an answer to why. Here’s to a future of no more “why?” and to truly forgiving and letting go. Putting my pain in check and keeping it within its boundaries. Pain is my friend but doesn’t gain to much space in my life. I smile at the blessings the pain has brought me and look forward to healing yet to come.
The enemy thought he would take me down, but he only took me down to my knees in front of the cross. I am an overcomer
God will use what the enemy meant to destroy you for your purpose. Joy and happiness have filled my soul.
I’m not a survivor, I’m a conquer.
↓This will change your life, sermons starts at 28:03 – Pastor Brett Jones, Grace Church of Humble↓